The 9 least convincing disguises in PC games
Psst. It’s me. You probably had a hard time seeing through my nifty disguise, a coat a little longer than usual. But I assure you, it’s me, the goblin on the list. My disguise is good, eh? Unlike some of these examples. Here are 9 of the worst disguises in video games.
A box – Metal Gear Solid
Initiated by the master of infiltration, David Snake, this technique makes the user appear to the guards as nothing more than an unusually movable cardboard box with two adorable feet. What a good box, your opponent thinks. Maybe it contains organic oranges, or maybe some other perfectly reasonable stuff to store in a nuclear waste disposal facility. “Take care of the box,” philosopher the famous mech murder protagonist, “and she will take care of you.” The only creature who idolizes empty boxes more than Solid Dave is my cat, who also believes that she becomes invisible when locked in four cardboard walls.
Agents – Evil Genius 2
The law-abiding agents of JUSTICE in this wicked descendant management game sometimes enter your lair dressed as your own workers. You’d be less suspicious of these engineers and janitors if they weren’t tiptoeing around your base with pantomime enthusiasm, carrying bags on their shoulders, snapping photos of all your most heinous crimes. They are terrible cunning, and frankly they deserve to be reduced to dust by your impassable laser wall.
Mud – Shadow Of The Tomb Raider
Lara Croft, the world’s most famous gap year student who thinks she’s a jungle. She thinks that if you smear mud on your eyelids, you’ll become one with the rainforest, rather than, say, conjunctivitis. She believes that if you put hastily cut furs all over your body, you will embody the spirit of an imperceptible beast, instead of smelling so bad that you alert every human and wild animal within 100 yards. Stop it, Lozza. You are not a seasoned guerrilla revolutionary. You are on a Cancun package vacation.
Red guy with “Blue” as username – Among us
A misinformation trickster anyone can appreciate. Still, that will never bother smart players like me. The social deduction game among us is all about observation, deception, and trust. If I can’t trust you to give you a normal username, like Xx_EaterOfGibbons_xX or DopePope420, then how can I trust you in a space station besieged by aliens? I can not. So get out of here, Blue. I mean Red. Red, no listen, it’s called blue but it’s red. Yes, blue. No, not blue-blue, red-blue. Listen, he’s- LISTEN.
A jar – Dark Souls 3
Before the potbois of Elden Ring, there were the potbois of Dark Souls. Magically transforming into an irregularly lit environmental object is only convincing if your enemy has poor prop hunting skill. Whether it’s that box, that branch, or that big statue.
Mileena – Mortal Kombat 11
It’s been 10 games since we met you, Milly. We all know you are a fanged beast in a mask. Be honest with yourself. We accept you as you are. (A sadistic killer).
Phantom Thieves – Persona 5 Strikers
The operational security of this gang of teenage brain-manipulators is so bad that they were quickly discovered by the president of their student council. Usually their disguises are only active in a bizarre dream world where no one important would see them. But that doesn’t make it any less reckless to speak out loud about their self-defense endeavor through high school vending machines.
Corvo at the Masked Ball – Dishonored
“You are a scandal with this mask,” said a moth-faced guest at Lady Boyle’s costume party. She thinks you’re only disguised as a magical assassin roaming the streets of Dunwall. In reality, you are the murderer. A brash play, some would say. A taste of delicious dramatic irony, others will say. No, both of you shut up. Corvo is lazy. Look at the effort that Miss Moth made. It’s cosplayer-level dedication. Corvo is like your friend Jerry, who comes to the Halloween party without a costume and says, “Ha ha, I came as ‘Jerry’, ha ha ha.”
Agent 47 – Hitman
Mr. 47 here AKA Ian Hitman AKA Toby R- wait, where has he gone? Oh, there, in a milkman’s outfit. I know it’s you, 47 years old! I can tell from your cloned face! Look at him, all cheekbones and ghost eyes. The giant barcode on the back of 47’s head is often cited as an obvious giveaway, but consider the other clues. His cop walk, his nightclub bouncer fists, his distinct voice that’s genetically enhanced to be so void of expression it’s both noticeable and alarming. Dressed as a secret agent’s bodyguard, okay, Sir Fiber Wire sometimes seems in the game. But like this Colombian gardener? I do not think so. Take off that hat, 47, I know it’s y- oh my god. He’s the real gardener… so sorry, señor, sorry… oh my god… where is he? How did it happen? Oh my God…
One Off The List among… the TimeSplitters levels we want
Last time around, I shyly suggested 13 levels we’d like to see in the new TimeSplitters. But one of those speculative time zones has been written off. His… Your apartment in 2020.
“I would take pretty much any level outside of my apartment in 2020,” says the ‘Vestergaardish’ time traveler, typing out what we’re all thinking. “What a miserable place.”
And so it was. This hypothetical level is no longer, its pre-existence: erased. It never happened. The lean year cannot harm us from the void. See you next time, goblin list.